


Regret

by AidanChase



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Death, F/M, First Kiss, Godrics hollow, Halloween, M/M, Marauders, first wizarding war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:34:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AidanChase/pseuds/AidanChase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regret was not something Sirius Black understood very well. He did everything he could to avoid it. He took pride in all his actions, and accepted their consequences with a certain arrogance. He would have faced death with a joke--in fact, he had full intentions to.</p><p>---</p><p>In the same vein as Dateable and My Sweet Summer. A collection of moments from Sirius Black, focused on the First Wizarding War and the night James and Lily died. This is NOT part of the Everyone Lives AU. At all. People do really die in this work. It is canon compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

Regret was not something Sirius Black understood very well. He did everything he could to avoid it. He took pride in all his actions, and accepted their consequences with a certain arrogance. He would have faced death with a joke--in fact, he had full intentions to.

\--- --- ---

Sirius fell off his bed laughing. His head hit the corner of his bookshelf but even that couldn’t stop his giggling.

Remus went red in the face. “It wasn’t that funny.” He jokingly tossed his paperback copy of _Standard Book of Spells--Year Three _at James. “Stop.”__

__James dodged the book. He stifled his laugh with one hand and pushed his other hand against his bedpost for support._ _

__Peter was the only one who had enough breath to say, “Because--Remus, you’ve never told a joke about being a--being a werewolf before.”_ _

__“Remus, you’re a lunatic,” Sirius managed, and then James fell off his bed, too._ _

__It really hadn’t been all that that funny, but it was always so easy to laugh with friends._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__James smiled, his usual cocky grin, the corner of his mouth upturned. He was mid-breath, like he was waiting for someone to laugh at his punchline, but there was no punchline, and there was no laughing. Even though James looked like he was himself, there was a worry in the line of his brows, just behind his glasses. It clouded his attempt at normalcy._ _

__“You guys don’t need to be here,” Remus said quietly. “Madam Pomfrey says I ought to be fine by lunch.”_ _

__Sirius took a half-step closer to the bed. His hand reached out to brush the hair off of Remus’s forehead. It was a perfectly normal thing for them, but Sirius’s hand stopped when he saw the fresh scar that cut Remus’s lower lip in two. Madam Pomfrey had mended it well, but there was an unmistakable white line that divided the cracks in the pink skin._ _

__That wasn’t from the wolf. That was from Sirius._ _

__“I’m alright,” Remus said, and Sirius felt guilty for his obvious hesitation. He knew what Remus was about to say, and James and Peter knew it to._ _

__“We’re not stopping,” James said._ _

__“I could have hurt you,” Remus moaned. “It was a disaster--”_ _

__“It was proof it worked, right?” Peter said in an awfully quiet voice. “That was the plan all along, wasn’t it? Make sure Remus doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else. And that’s what we did.”_ _

__James looked proud. Sirius was a bit more begrudging with his pride. Peter had not actually done anything last night, but Peter was a bit too small to keep a werewolf from attacking a student. James and Sirius were the ones with battlescars._ _

__The three of them went to Transfiguration without Remus. James’s earlier attempts at a smile were gone. He seemed quite stressed, like his bravado had all been spent on Remus and he had none left for Sirius and Peter._ _

__“We should’ve prepared better for this,” James said quietly, when McGonagall had left them to their practical. “Apart from Remus nearly attacking a student, we’ve got our own injuries to show for it.” Injuries they couldn’t take to Madam Pomfrey because she’d want to know why and how, and the boys would have no convenient answers._ _

__James had several bites on his arms and a scratch on his chest. Sirius had claw marks down his back, but he felt like he was used to that. Peter, small enough to be unscathed, had carefully cleaned his friends up before they changed back, to make sure there was nothing left of the werewolf in their wounds before they turned back to human._ _

__He and James had been so certain that werewolf bites did not affect animals, and therefore would not affect them as Animagi, but now that their theory was about to be tested, Sirius was a little scared._ _

__But he didn’t show it. He only said, “I’ll just have to get better at healing spells. It’s only some Charms, Human Transfiguration, and a little anti-jinx for the worst curses, which probably includes werewolf bites. All my best talents.”_ _

__“You’re shit at Charms,” Peter sniggered, and it was a cheap shot, but it was enough to make James laugh, at least a little._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__“Ferula,” Sirius whispered, and Remus groaned loudly as the splint set his leg._ _

__Remus’s breaths were ragged, but steady. “Some Christmas,” he finally managed._ _

__“Christmas was over hours ago, mate,” Sirius half-laughed and carefully brushed aside the bangs that were plastered against Remus’s forehead with sweat._ _

__“You didn’t have to spend it with me.”_ _

__Sirius knelt on the floor beside the couch, one hand still resting against Remus’s cheek, the other held his wand, and he was checking to make sure Remus had no other injuries that needed immediate attention. “Considering Lily turned James’s invitation down because,” Sirius paused to heal a bruise on Remus’s chest, “she wanted to spend the day with her family, I’m pretty sure we had nothing better to do.”_ _

__Sirius was satisfied with his work, at least for now. Remus resting for the next twenty-four hours was the best medicine, and he could heal the broken leg tomorrow morning. He got Remus a glass of water and a bottle of Blood Replenishing potion._ _

__“Is this James’s, or Madam Pomfrey’s?” Remus asked as Sirius uncorked the bottle._ _

__“Lily’s,” Sirius said with a crooked grin. “James told her he wanted one to make him a better Quidditch player.”_ _

__“That sounds like cheating.”_ _

__Sirius helped Remus sit up a bit so he could take the potion. “Lily doesn’t know that. And until she figures it out, we’ve got ourselves a damn good and steady supply without tipping Madam Pomfrey off.”_ _

__Remus sighed as he settled back into the pillows, and Sirius knew it was because Remus was so tired of all the lies and secrets they wove to protect Remus. Remus felt guilty enough about his own lies, and it was worse that his friends were lying for him._ _

__Sirius set the bottle down and brushed Remus’s hair out of his face again, even though there was no need. “Don’t look at me like that. We do this because we want to.”_ _

__“I’m not looking at you,” Remus mumbled, and it was a pathetic attempt to avoid the problem Sirius was trying to address._ _

__“Then don’t look at the pillow like that. Come on. You know we do this because we--because we care about you.”_ _

__The pause was enough to make Remus turn his head. The pause that meant Sirius nearly said something else, and changed his mind at the last minute. Sirius blushed under Remus’s now curious stare. But between the dim firelight and cold sunrise filtering through the windows, he hoped he didn’t look any different._ _

__“James should be back with the firewood soon,” Sirius said._ _

__Remus tried sitting up again--“Hey, don’t--you need to rest--” but Sirius’s pleas were ignored. Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius._ _

__It was everything Sirius dreamed of and everything Sirius feared. It was gentle, a little feeble, but its strength was in its bravery and in the way it was so very much like Remus. But it tasted of metallic rust, the way blood smelled when Sirius was Padfoot, and Sirius could feel the raised scar down the center of Remus’s lip and guilt twisted in Sirius’s gut._ _

__Sirius pulled away. “You need your rest.” He stood up and Remus caught the tips of his fingers before he could walk away._ _

__“Sirius--I am grateful. You know that, right?”_ _

__“Yeah--” Sirius wasn’t sure what else he wanted to say. Nothing seemed right. He thought another kiss might say it for him, but he couldn’t while Remus was exhausted like this. That wasn’t fair. “I’m going to see if James needs help carrying the firewood.”_ _

__“I’m sure he’s fine. He benchpresses Quaffles.”_ _

__Sirius laughed, a small, insecure laugh that felt so wrong to him, so unlike himself, and he disappeared outside into the cold winter morning as quickly as he could._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__It was freezing. It was nearly midnight in late October, of course it would be cold, but Sirius hadn’t thought to bring a heavier coat. He truly hated being cold, and he thought about shifting into his fur coat, but he couldn’t be a dog when the Death Eaters came for him. He wanted to be himself, and only himself._ _

__There was nothing the Death Eaters could do to convince him to give up James and Lily. He was bound by Fidelius, and killing him would not weaken the spell like they expected, because he was not truly the Secret Keeper. He was ready for this._ _

__But the Death Eaters weren’t there. He’d made it very clear he was hunting for information about Regulus. He’d spread the right rumors that he was acting alone, that he would be alone. That he was perfectly targetable. Had he been too obvious? Not obvious enough?_ _

__There was a sharp crack and Sirius turned, wand ready to face any of his cousins, or second cousins, or whoever You-Know-Who had sent after him. But it was none of those people behind him. His grip on his wand faltered._ _

__“Remus--why are you here?”_ _

__Remus looked around and when he was sure they were alone, tucked his wand back into his robes. “I came to make sure you were alright. I know you’re determined to protect James and Lily, but I didn’t think you’d do something this stupid.”_ _

__“The Fidelius Charm isn’t stupid.” Sirius did not put away his wand. He kept it level, ready to defend himself. “No one can find them. They’re safe this way.”_ _

__“I mean being so horribly obvious.”_ _

__Sirius’s face faltered for a split second. Did the Death Eaters find out about Peter? How could they have? Is that why they weren’t here? Oh, God, what had they done to Peter?_ _

__Remus took a half-step forward, and Sirius raised his wand. Remus froze. “Sirius, you know you can trust me.”_ _

__“Do I?”_ _

__Remus ran a hand through his hair. It was so long now, like Remus hadn’t cut it since the wedding. “I’m sorry you think that I--” Remus swallowed hard and shook his head. “Sirius, please, just listen. Don’t do this. Don’t throw your life away like this. I know you’re James and Lily’s Secret Keeper, and so does everyone else. They will kill you, and then they’ll come after me and Peter.”_ _

__So the Death Eaters didn’t know about Peter after all. Good. He curled his upper lip back and said, “Guess it’s too bad you don’t actually have any information to bargain with.”_ _

__“I would die for Lily and James same as you,” Remus snapped. Sirius hadn’t seen Remus that angry in years, not since their sixth year, when Remus got a glimpse of the cursed scars on Sirius’s back. “But what good is it to die only to put them in more danger? You’re not thinking this through. You never think these things through.”_ _

__“Then what should I do? Wait at home for them to come after me like they did the McKinnons? Try to run like the Bones? Go after them like the Prewetts? I’m facing them on my terms, for my friends.” Sirius felt angry enough to curse Remus. What did Remus know? Remus who had been off doing God-knows-what, running errands for Dumbledore, probably reporting back to the Death Eaters. He should’ve known. He should’ve know Remus would do this to them._ _

__It made so much sense for them to send Remus after him, too. If was the Potters’ Secret Keeper, they would have been unable to force the information out of him. He’d thought their best bet would’ve been to kill him to extend the number of Secret Keepers to anyone under the Fidelius Charm. But if they could get him to willingly give up James and Lily’s location to Remus--no, he would never do that to James._ _

__“Sirius, please,” Remus tried, “I want you safe as much as I want them safe. Just tell me where they are--”_ _

__Sirius drew back his wand. Remus’s eyes went wide in surprise and he fumbled for his own wand. Remus barely managed to shout, “Protego!” as Sirius shouted a curse._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__“Cruciatus!” she screamed and Sirius crumpled under the blow._ _

__“Finite!” Remus shouted back and grabbed Sirius’s arm._ _

__Bellatrix Lestrange, cast her curse again._ _

__“Protego!” Sirius heard Remus shout, but his body was shaking and he felt useless. Where had Bella learned to be that powerful? Where had she gotten so much hatred for him? His mother’s Cruciatus Curse was one thing, but Bella’s was something stranger._ _

__“Where’s Fabian?” Sirius managed to ask as Remus set him down behind one of the upturned tables._ _

__“Chasing Dolohov. I lost sight of Rodolphus and Rabastan.”_ _

__Sirius frowned and tried to tighten his shaky grip on his wand. “Four Death Eaters against three of us?”_ _

__“Can you send a Patronus to Dumbledore? Or Alastor?” Remus leaned around the table and shouted, “Confringo!”_ _

__The explosion rocked the small room and Sirius heard Bellatrix scream a counter-curse but he couldn’t make it out. He tried focusing on a Patronus, on riding a motorbike, on summers at James’s home, Christmas with Mrs. Potter, Christmas with Remus--he couldn’t focus. He couldn’t manage it. Bella’s cackling drove out any happy thought as easily as if she were a Dementor herself. His skin prickled with the remnants of her curse and the memory of his mother’s, and he looked helplessly at Remus._ _

__Remus bit down on his lower lip. “We can make a run for it.”_ _

__“We’re not running.”_ _

__“Sirius, she has us pinned, and we have no backup.”_ _

__“You conjure a patronus,” Sirius snapped._ _

__Remus went pale. “I don’t--”_ _

__Sirius leaned around the table and shouted, “Reducto,” but didn’t look to see where he was casting it. Bella only laughed, so he supposed he missed. “Can’t or won’t, Remus?”_ _

__“Don’t do that,” Remus said. His voice held a dangerous warning, but his face was still pale. “We have to run.”_ _

__Sirius growled. “Fine. But you get to tell James we had our asses handed to us today. I’m not reliving this.”_ _

__The two crouched low, and made a dash for the hallway door. Sirius looked back at Bella long enough to aim a Cruciatus curse. She screamed and fell._ _

__Remus’s eyes went wide as he fell on the door, “Sirius what did you--” He stopped long enough to shout, “Protego!” as a green light flashed nearby._ _

__Rodolphus and Rabastan made their reappearance. One of them threw a silent spell neither Remus nor Sirius had time to deflect._ _

__It hit Sirius dead in the chest. He stumbled. He didn’t know what he was hit with but his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. Remus grabbed him by the collar and he stumbled down the corridor._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__Sirius collapsed onto James’s couch. He weakly reached for a potion out of his bag and took a sip. He could hear Remus still talking with James in the kitchen. He wished they wouldn’t._ _

__“He cast an Unforgivable--You need to talk to him. I’m worried. He won’t listen to me.”_ _

__James said, “And he’ll listen to me? I don’t approve of it anymore than you do, but honestly, I’m more concerned about how many potions he’s got to take. What did he get hit with?”_ _

__“I don’t know. The Lestrange brothers are nightmares. We can’t figure out the curse, we can just try to treat the effects until it wears off.” Remus whispered something else Sirius couldn’t make out._ _

__“Just go home and rest, Remus. You guys had a rough day. I’ll cancel my date with Lily and keep an eye on him.”_ _

__There were more hushed words, a crack, and then the sound of the door creaking all the way open. James sat down on the floor next to him, and Sirius felt a twitch in his heart. He didn’t know if it was the curse or if it was because he remembered a time only eight months ago when he sat where James was and had his first kiss with Remus._ _

__Part of him wished Remus had stayed._ _

__“You don’t have to cancel your date,” Sirius said. His voice sounded hoarse. He wondered if he’d done a lot of screaming under that Cruciatus Curse, or in the hospital. It was all pretty fuzzy._ _

__“Lily will understand. Making sure you’re alright is priority.” James looked through the collection of potions on the table, all marked with the St. Mungo’s wand and bone. “How often do you have to take these?”_ _

__“It says on the bottle. Can’t imagine how I’d remember otherwise.” Sirius took a sip of a glass of water. He licked his lips before bringing up the second topic he wanted to talk to James about. “I’m worried about Remus.”_ _

__James’s smile twisted into its usual crooked grin. “Funny. He said the same thing about you.”_ _

__“It’s probably nothing, but--Remus wouldn’t send his patronus.”_ _

__“You know he hates it. That alone can be enough to prevent him from conjuring it properly.”_ _

__“He pulled us into enemy fire. We knew Rabastan and Rodolphus were unaccounted for, and still we stepped into the open.”_ _

__“You took a risk. I don’t understand.”_ _

__James wouldn’t understand. James could never doubt anyone’s loyalty. But Sirius did not trust easy. And while he’d trusted Remus wholly, today’s attack unnerved him._ _

__“They knew we would be there,” Sirius whispered. “How did they know?”_ _

__James frowned. “You need some rest. Do you want me to put you up in your old room?”_ _

__“I’m fine,” Sirius finally sighed. He didn’t want to have this fight with James now, not when he was so unsure and in so much pain._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__Sirius woke up with a pounding headache. He’d never been this hungover. He felt like puking, but he wasn’t sure there was anything in him. He stumbled into James’s kitchen for a glass of water._ _

__Remus was already at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee. Even Remus had dark circles under his eyes as he looked up at Sirius. “I can duplicate this if you want another.”_ _

__Sirius shook his head, and proceeded to make himself a cup of tea. “Did you wake up James?”_ _

__“I tried. Maybe you should give it a go.”_ _

__Sirius stepped in the hallway to check the clock. “We’ve still got a couple hours before we have to be at the church.”_ _

__Remus took a sip of his coffee. “All we’ve got to do is stuff him into dress robes, right?”_ _

__“Lily got him a tux. For her parents’ sakes. She said her dad had enough heart problems, and didn’t want to set him off with a son-in-law with inappropriate church attire.”_ _

__“No one told me that.”_ _

__Sirius didn’t know if Remus meant about the tux or the heart condition. Maybe both. He took a sip of his tea. He swore under his breath as it burned his tongue. “We should probably get him up. Those things have so many buttons.”_ _

__Remus finished off his coffee and stood. “Sirius--can we talk, before we wake him up?”_ _

__Sirius bit down on the inside of his cheek. He’d actively avoided talking with Remus these last few months, and now he was going to curse James for sharing his suspicions about Remus with Remus. He did not want to have this conversation with Remus. He knew it would hurt Remus for Sirius to think of him as a traitor. He knew Remus would think it was because he was a werewolf, and maybe a little of it was. Maybe that was why Sirius felt so guilty about it._ _

__“Is now the best time?” he finally asked._ _

__“You keep dodging me,” Remus sighed, “and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.” A little color flooded Remus’s cheeks. “I’m sorry about kissing you last year. I don’t want you to think--I mean, I thought you--It was stupid, and I’m sorry.”_ _

__“You’ve been agonizing about that for a year--” he paused, because those calculations didn’t seem quite right “--for a year and a half?” Sirius didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t at all the conversation he’d expected to have with Remus right now._ _

__“Is that… bad? You never bothered to say anything about it, and I thought--” Remus sighed. “Nevermind. I’ve gone and made it worse by bringing it up, haven’t I? Let’s just wake James.”_ _

__Remus’s face was bright red now, and he tried to hide it by washing out his mug._ _

__Sirius thought of all the things he could say. The truth leapt to mind first, that he’d thought Remus had only been acting out of exhaustion and blood loss. That Remus hadn’t meant it at all. That he’d felt too guilty to bring it up ever again. He thought he could apologize for being suspicious of Remus, but--didn’t this only make Remus more suspicious? Disarming him, by bringing up a tender, shared memory for the two of them? A memory that was so old, it would be absurd to hang on to? Trying to make himself seem more trustworthy?_ _

__Sirius didn’t know. He couldn’t be sure, and it felt like the guilt and indecision was eating away at his insides._ _

__“Yeah, let’s get James ready. And we should probably wake Peter, too.”_ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__Where was Peter?_ _

__Sirius felt like all the blood had drained from his body, and his heart was trying to squeeze its way out his throat. There was nothing left of Lily and James’s home except a pile of rubble. He passed where the door would have been--a charred stump of a frame, now. He saw the top of the door frame lying across the street. He wondered if people could see the house, or if it was still protected by the charm. No one seemed to be looking at him, or offering to help as he dug through rubble._ _

__They could still be alive. They could still be in here._ _

__Sirius pushed aside what he thought was the coffee table. He found James’s wand. He didn’t see James. He stepped into the kitchen, which seemed to be the most intact room in the house. The countertops were cracked, but still stood, marking at least one of the rooms in its proper dimensions. And as Sirius looked over the counter, he thought he might be sick right there._ _

__He’d seen the bodies of friends before. He and Peter had found the McKinnons. He’d been there when they brought the Prewett brothers back. But he’d never expected to see James like this, slumped against a broken cupboard, glasses crushed beside him. Why had James been so far from his wand? He thought of a number of times he and Lily had scolded James for leaving his wand places._ _

__The thought of James facing The Dark Lord without a wand made him want to laugh but he couldn’t remember what muscles he needed to do that._ _

__He reached out--he wasn’t sure if he was going to shake James awake or try to close his eyes--and then heard a baby crying._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__“It’s a boy,” James said with a grin that Sirius could only describe as stupidly blissful. He hadn’t seen James smile like that since they’d been standing at the altar together, watching Lily walk down in her dress._ _

__“Congrats,” Sirius smiled back. “And how’s Mum?”_ _

__James laughed, because now Lily really was “Mum” and didn’t that make James “Dad” now? Sirius thought it was laughable to think of James as responsible for a small helpless child. As laughable as it would be for him to be a father._ _

__“She’s doing great. Resting. They said that’s good for her, and, I think that’s probably true.” James adjusted his glasses. “We want you to be the godfather.”_ _

__Sirius wasn’t sure he heard him right. “Me? I couldn’t--” He laughed. “James, I’m lucky if I can keep my bike in one piece. Are you sure you want me to…” He wasn’t actually sure what a godfather’s responsibilities were. Babysitting? Birthday presents? All things he would’ve done anyway._ _

__“Lily and I are sure.” James paused and twisted the wedding band around his finger. “It means… if anything were to happen to me and Lily--”_ _

__“Nothing’s going to happen to you and Lily.” Sirius was confident of that. He would never let anything happen to James and Lily._ _

__But James’s face was unsure. And Sirius knew it was a war, knew that their friends were dying, but he didn’t know how that could ever happen to James and Lily. He’d never let them die._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__It was Lily’s hand, with her wedding band, still on her finger, but the rest of Lily was crushed under a large piece of wall. Sirius could hear Harry crying somewhere behind that wall. He pushed it, tried to lift it, but there was nothing he could do._ _

__Sirius fumbled for his wand but his hand was shaking too much to cast a spell. He had to get to Harry. And maybe Lily was alright under there. Maybe she was just hurt._ _

__Sirius tried lifting the piece of rubble again but it wouldn’t budge. He thought he could cry, just from the feeling of being so helpless._ _

__He’d done everything he could to keep Lily and James safe. Where had he gone wrong?_ _

__“Sirius?”_ _

__It was a deep, heavy, concerned voice. Sirius recognized it instantly. He turned around, but didn’t take his hand off the wall. “Hagrid, please, you have to help. Harry--and Lily--”_ _

__Hagrid moved quickly for his size. The wall shifted easily for him, where Sirius had been ineffective._ _

__Sirius scrambled over the mess of rubble--he had to squeeze between a piece of ceiling and wall that Hagrid couldn’t follow through--and found Harry, safe in his crib, like he had been the center of the explosion, with no marks on him, save a gash on his forehead. Sirius picked him up and held him close. He wanted to cry with Harry, but he couldn’t bring himself to just yet. He looked over to Lily’s body._ _

__It had been easier to see James._ _

__There was no question of her death. Half her face had been crushed by the wall that Hagrid moved. Her dress charred and bloody. He found himself hoping she’d been killed before the explosion happened._ _

__“Is Harry alrigh’?”_ _

__Sirius climbed back out. He could see the large tears rolling down Hagrid’s cheeks into his beard. Watching Hagrid cry made it impossible to hold his own sorrow back. He nodded, knowing his voice would crack if he spoke._ _

__“I--I was just comin’ ter bring them some pudding from the feast last night. I didn’--” Hagrid stopped as he got a better look at Harry. “Did somethin’ hit his head?”_ _

__Sirius sat down in the rubble. Hagrid handed him a handkerchief and Sirius managed a weak Augmenti, enough to dampen the cloth._ _

__Harry was still crying as Sirius wiped his forehead, and Sirius knew there was nothing he could do to quiet Harry._ _

__The cut on Harry’s forehead seemed small. Maybe he’d only been struck by some falling rubble. Sirius took several deep breaths and whispered, “Vulnera Sanentur,” but nothing happened. He took another moment to focus and tried the healing spell again. Instead of closing, the wound sparked and Sirius dropped his wand._ _

__Harry was cursed._ _

__He remembered the prophecy, that Harry would be marked. But it hadn’t required James and Lily to die. Why did all of this have to happen? How?_ _

__Sirius tried to dry his eyes but the tears kept coming. He held Harry tight, and he felt Hagrid hold him. All three of them, crying, because James and Lily were gone. They had been so loved. Sirius thought he would fall apart under the weight of grief, anger, and desperation._ _

__He finally managed to ask, “Hagrid, who else knew about this place?”_ _

__“Me an’ Dumbledore. Maybe Minnie knew, if Dumbledore brough’ her, but none of us woulda done this.”_ _

__“No,” Sirius sighed. There was no one who would have. He had been so careful not to tell Remus, and only trusted Peter--_ _

__Sirius stood up. “Hagrid, take Harry. Get him to Dumbledore. You can take my bike.”_ _

__“Sirius, now wait jus’ a minute--”_ _

__“I have to take care of something.”_ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__Sirius bounced baby Harry on his knee gently. Peter was still finishing off the last of the scones Lily had left them._ _

__“D’you think it’s really safe for James and Lily to go out?” Peter asked and licked his fingers._ _

__“No.” Sirius had begged them to stay home. But James had promised they’d take the cloak and they’d be fine. They’d been in hiding for months, and caring for Harry. They needed a break._ _

__Sirius understood that, he just wished they didn’t insisted on being put in so much danger to do it._ _

__“They’ll be alright,” he finally sighed and stood up. “I’m gonna put Harry down.”_ _

__Sirius went upstairs to Harry’s room. He did the walking-thing he’d seen Lily and James do--Harry fell asleep so much easier if you held him until he was asleep, and then put him down. Otherwise he squirmed and cried and tried to climb out of his crib. Harry liked being with people. He was already so much like his father, Sirius thought with a small laugh._ _

__He heard something downstairs--the door opening, voices. He hadn’t expected James and Lily back so early._ _

__He set Harry down and tiptoed out of the room._ _

__He was surprised to see Remus talking with Peter._ _

__Remus smiled at Sirius, but it was thin and strained. Sirius didn’t even try to smile back._ _

__“I didn’t know Lily and James were out. Sorry. They said I could stop by this weekend, since Dumbledore usually lets me take a few days to rest around the…”_ _

__Even after seven years of everyone being fully aware of Remus’s condition, it was so hard for Remus to speak of blatantly. Sometimes Sirius found it endearing. Tonight, Sirius found it exasperating._ _

__“Well, they’re not here.” Sirius picked up the dishes from his and Peter’s dinner and went to wash them in the kitchen. Not that he wanted to wash them, but he was not interested in making small-talk with Remus right now._ _

__After he’d cleaned the dishes, dried them, put them away, cleaned the sink, wiped down the stove, and even dusted the small kitchen table they hadn’t used, he went back into the living room. He couldn’t just avoid Remus forever._ _

__Peter was near tears when he came back, and looked up at Sirius. “Remus just told me what happened to Alicia’s family.”_ _

__Sirius slipped his hand into his wand pocket. “Alicia’s alright, isn’t she?” She’d been only a little older than them. Head Girl while they were finishing up their animagus spells. She’d almost caught them trying to figure out how to get rid of Peter’s tail. They’d had to throw the cloak over it and apologize for being out of bed after hours._ _

__“Alicia’s fine,” Remus said quietly. “Well, as fine as she can be. Nearly her whole family was killed by Death Eaters. Just her and her brother survived.”_ _

__Sirius gripped his wand in his pocket. It made him feel a little safer, knowing it was there. He just wished James and Lily were home safe._ _

__“We can’t let this war keep going on,” Sirius said._ _

__Remus shook his head. “I just wish we were closer to finding all the Death Eaters, but there aren’t enough Aurors. We’re spread too thin.”_ _

__“It’s not that hard. Just start locking up purebloods and the problem will go away.”_ _

__“If we started locking people up by blood, we’d be no better than them,” Remus said. His hands were twisted in his robes. “We have to do it properly.”_ _

__“Properly isn’t working, is it? I mean, I’m willing to be locked up for a bit while we round up all the purebloods and just use some Veritaserum to figure out which ones are alright to let out.”_ _

__“I really wasn’t talking about you.” Remus’s voice was still quiet, but it was sharp._ _

__Peter whimpered. “Guys, don’t fight--”_ _

__“Were you talking about James, then?” Sirius asked. “Honestly--”_ _

__“I mean if you judge people by blood you’re not better than them.” Remus stood and a younger Sirius might’ve loved the danger in Remus’s eyes. But right now, Sirius was only angry._ _

__“I’m not them.”_ _

__“Aren’t you?” Remus asked. “You’ve been avoiding me for months, and I thought it was--I tried to bring it up to you, and you still ignored me, but it’s not about us, is it? You don’t trust me--because of--because of what I am.”_ _

__Sirius couldn’t tell if Remus was about to yell or cry. His voice sounded on the verge of both. Sirius knew which one he wanted to do. “Maybe I am! Maybe--”_ _

__But he didn’t get to explain himself, because Harry started crying, loudly. Sirius stomped loudly up the steps as he went to put Harry back to sleep. He paced the room while holding Harry again, but it was hard to keep the motion slow and smooth. He was so angry and frustrated. And hurt._ _

__Sirius finally got Harry quiet and set him back down in the crib. He left Harry’s door open so he would be sure to hear if anything was wrong, but he leaned against the door frame for a moment to collect his thoughts._ _

__Remus’s voice, broken and rough from yelling or crying--Sirius hadn’t heard him yell at Peter--drifted up the stairs._ _

__“I hate that I would think that of him. You’ve all done so much for me, and now--now I don’t know what to do. I hate that I think he sees me that way, and I hate that--that sometimes I think he’s right.”_ _

__Sirius closed his eyes and sat down in the doorway of Harry’s room. He didn’t move until Lily woke him up, hours later, stiff, sore, and with a few tears streaking his cheeks._ _

__\--- --- ---_ _

__Sirius was done crying. His grief had been absorbed by his rage and the only thing on his mind was revenge._ _

__Peter’s flat was empty. Sirius found him a block away. He chased him for three more blocks. He never knew Peter could run so fast, but Sirius supposed anyone could run when they knew they would be dead if they were caught._ _

__Peter made a wrong turn. Sirius had him at a dead end._ _

__“Peter!” Sirius shouted at him. He was so full of fury, anger, and he threw it all at Peter._ _

__Peter turned around, wand raised in surrender. “How could you do it, Sirius?” he shouted back._ _

__Sirius’s lips curled back._ _

__“How could you betray James and Lily like that?”_ _

__Sirius laughed. There was nothing else he could do. He had lost everything, and Peter went and turned this on him? Oh, it was so rich and unbelievable. But before he could curse Peter to a slow and painful death, an explosion rocked the street. Sirius was thrown backward. He hit his head on the concrete._ _

__Someone took his wand from him. Someone else pinned his arms behind his back._ _

__Sirius didn’t even fight as the dragged him away. Part of it was the concussion, but the other part was regret._ _

__He didn’t regret much, but oh god, if only he’d trusted Remus. Remus who had never been anything but kind and gentle. Remus who tried so hard to be understanding, Remus who had no choice but to trust his friends. Remus who had listened to Sirius’s prejudices and quietly pointed out the flaws in his reasoning and tried to make Sirius better._ _

__Sirius regretted so much._ _


End file.
